A Living Conclusion

By John Carl Gozun

“It’s over.”

This was the first thought that popped in my mind when the members signified the end of the special Final Rites (FR). My warm tears and sweat messed up my cute Tigger-designed face paint. My lament turned into gladness.

Not Just an Ordinary Morning

A blurred image of the brown ceiling was the first figure my eyes saw at 5:30 one Tuesday morning. I twitched on my bed as I was feeling something weird inside me. I closed my eyes, trying to sleep again, but something was really bothering me.

“Oh God, FR na,” I said in my mind as I was jerking and stretching my lazy body.

I went to the bathroom to take a bath. After which, I prepared the things that I would bring that day, and while I was getting ready, annoyance was shrouding every fiber of me as thoughts in my mind were running. Will I be just all right when this day ends? Or should I ask myself if I could make it to the end?

I asked Dad if he could set his wheels for me. While we were in the high way, I couldn’t help myself but stare afar. After a half of an hour, we arrived at McDonald’s.

Baskal’s Final Four

Don, Jewel, Mae and I were on the same table trying to relax our minds. We even broke some silly jokes to remove the depression linking our psyches. Then, I decided to order breakfast at the counter. Don helped me.

“One apple pie and a glass of orange juice,” I ordered. “Don, kakarug ku ata.”

“Ah ok mu yan. Aku nandin abac, aramdaman ku rin iyan.”

We chose to join Ate Daphne on her table obliquely opposite the table of our co-apps. My mobile beeped several times, and when I opened my inbox, I read the messages of our Baskalmates who already attended the first FR. They were all worrying about us remaining four. They sent us words of encouragement, wisdom, and trust.

I called up one of them.

“Jill?” I said.

“Hello.”

“Tsk. Mangapaluha ku. Eku na balu ing gawan ku.”

“Basta agyu yu yan. Uhm, kakarug naku rin para kekayu.”

“Eku expect, analang karakal ring mems na atsu keni.”

“Edi masanting. Basta trust the mems, ok?”

“Ok. Thanks Jill. Sige, bye,” I hung up.

I drank some juice and ate some pie.

Don asked me, “Y Jill ita?”

“Wa.”

“Ok kamu John?” One of his eyebrows rose.

“Kakarug ku sh*t,” I said. I felt like all the negative energies were in me.

“Aku pin kagising ku eh. Basta emu masyadu isipan. Agyu tamu ini.”

I wrapped up our conversation with a sigh.

Crawl for Aguman

“I believe in truth, and in truth I will walk this earth…” The four of us were reciting the UP Aguman creed as we were immersed, like toddlers in their cribs, in the khaki hay and squashy mud.

It was already afternoon. Every stroke of my arms and legs was about to trigger my asthma, but I had to continue. Also, it was extremely hot because the sun was directly on us. I was catching my breath because I was already dog-tired. Even the Tigger-designed face paint created by Allandail was about to make a hodgepodge with my sweat.

I stood up when I was done. I felt that I was about to collapse. I could feel the blood rushing in my head, the food turning around in my stomach, and the pain on my elbows and knees.

I heard that Don had a fall out, and he was just right beside me. I understood him because I felt the same way, but I just thought of being strong.

Tests of Trust

My index finger was trembling as Allandail let me get hold of something. My finger suddenly shuddered. I spanked it with fear created by my gruesome nerves. Sadly, he told me that I failed.

“Ali da naka man paburen diba? Bakit ya mayna? Nanu wari ing aramdaman mu?” he sincerely asked like a brother.

“Fear,” I disappointedly answered back.

“Nanu ing ala patse ating fear?”

“Trust.”

With that answer of mine, I felt failure and disappointment. Moreover, his approach to me was inexplicable. It was not hatred or intimidation. Then, I started to cry.

Ate Cyrille approached me. “Ati pa namang aliwang stations. Bumawi ka kareta.”

“Gewa ku naman ing pepagawa na diba?” I said while mourning over stupid me.

I learned my lesson with that experience.

Let Go Of Me!

“Jewel, Mae, Don! Nokarin kayu?!” We were in the lawn searching for each other. I had to shrug the mems away in order for me to find and grasp my co-apps. I had to bite some of the hands of those who clasped me harshly. There was even a big guy who really didn’t release me until I said, “Let go of me!” I heard the mems reacted: “Wow. Sosyal!” and I just laughed in mind. Ha ha!

This was my favorite part of the FR. I mean, there is a vivid message or lesson that can be gotten from this. That is no matter how difficult, how painful, and how impossible it is to find each other, we should not surrender taking each step; the sense of sight is a just mere instrument to see each other, and the most important thing is to feel each other – this is the way towards understanding and unity.

Is it already Goodbye?

The four of us were asked to sit on the grass and to form a compact circle.

The mems asked, “Finally, tapos na ang FR!”

There came joy in my heart, it immediately faded away when one gave a bad news – a bad news that turned my joyful heart in deep somber.

It was just like what I felt in the morning. I knew that it was already dusk for the cold breeze was already penetrating my neck. I felt the gloomy twilight that formed in my mind. There’s really no chance for me now, I thought. I have to honor their decision. I said before that it doesn’t matter if I would pass or fail. What matters most is that I didn’t surrender, and I continued ‘til the end. It’s really time to say good bye.

All that ourselves required was unity, and in the end, it was more than enough.

WOOSH!

“CONGRATULATIONS!!!” All the mems said.

For a second, everything was explained.

“It’s over,” I murmured.

The Tigger-designed face paint was then completely messed up. Tears of grievance turned into tears of joy. At last, we are now uninducted members!

We, the new mems, embraced everyone we saw as everybody was running to avoid being embraced by our dingy and wet bodies! Ha ha! Unfortunately, Ate Daphne was cornered by us four. We made a group hug! I can’t stop laughing while she was shouting and shouting.

The Living Conclusion

During a breakdown, there still exists a hope – a hope that requires sacrifice. And sacrifice means love.

I will never forget this experience. I learned a lot of lessons from the start of the application process up to the final rites. I will always treasure this momentous event right in my heart for it will forever be a living conclusion as it may be.

*Photos courtesy of Elaida Castro