Santa Who?

By Cuthzei
Originally published in the Christmas Aslag, AY 2004-2005

When I was a kid, I didn’t believe in Santa Claus. Why? I really don’t know why. I really don’t have a reason until someone asked me to write an article on when I stopped believing in Santa. How can I stop believing in Santa when in fact, I had not believed in him at all. Agh, confusing.

So I thought about it and suddenly, I came up with these corny, weird, sometimes exaggerated pseudo-theories why as a child, I never waited for that big jolly man on Christmas Eve.

Chubby-Challenged Theory
Blame it to my uncles or male relatives for that matter. Nobody seems to be that fat enough to disguise himself as Jolly Old Santa. There was no attempt or whatsoever plan to be the family’s mascot. Thank goodness! They were really careful so as not to disappoint the little children around. Just imagine a malnourished Santa, surely the kids will freak-out.

Practicality Theory (ampao over socks)
Hanging socks on the wall is a fun thing to do but waiting for these to fill up with gifts and candies is another story. Little Ms. Practical decided it’s better to receive ampao (red envelopes) with cash instead.

Creepy-Toys Theory
Maybe it’s a Halloween hangover that I associated elves with the pinoy “dwendes.” (Beware: they may have descended from the same genealogy!) Knowing that Santa’s gifts are elf-made, don’t you think it’s kinda creepy to be playing with these toys? Be careful not to break them for a spell might be cast upon you J.

Survival-of-the-unfit Theory
Christmas is the season of merry-making and food binges. Time to indulge in sinful goodies and gain weight almost naturally. Someone just have to eat and survive you know! So why starve yourself waiting for that “Ho-Ho” man to descend from the skies?

Disappointment Theory
I know that sometime in your kiddie-life, you’ve wished for an almost impossible gift. And as luck would permit it, Santa did not grant you your wish! Then you start asking yourself, “Have I been that bad?!” Believing in Santa Claus can be quite disappointing especially when wishes don’t come true.

Realistic Theory
This follows the Disappointment-Theory because after being sad and disappointed, you’ll realize who the real Santas are-- your parents! Of course by this time you should have known that they’re the ones who had been faithfully granting your whims and wishes. Now is the opportune time to thank them for all the love and gifts they’ve showered you.

Animal-Lover Theory
I have so much concern with animal welfare that abusing them is a big no-no for me. Why, look at poor Rudolph! Santa continued delivering his gifts with Rudolph leading the pack despite Rudolph’s colds. Santa should be ashamed! Pitiful Rudolph!

Family-Values Theory
I don’t want a broken family! Okay, so that’s an exaggeration. But as a child, who would want to see their mom being kissed by Santa Claus? For goodness sake! I can never imagine myself moving out to the North Pole.

Myself-as-a-Santa Theory
Now, this is a serious one. I just love giving away gifts. Wrapping gifts and giving them to special people is such a heart-warming experience. Maybe this is a good reason why I don’t believe in Santa because I want to be Santa myself.

No-Chimney Theory
This is my favorite reason (excuse) why I don’t believe in Santa. Santa can never visit me during Christmas Eve simply because our home has no chimney or a fireplace! So why bother?

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Simbang Bengi

By Herald's
Originally published in the Christmas Aslag, AY 2004-2005

Cabang lalapit ca quing luclucan cu
Carugcarug ya ing cacung salu
E cu balu nung bakit o nung nanu
Anti cu mong ating buring sabyan canacu

Peunan da na ca pin mang magsalita
Uli na ning maulaga ya ata
Ding laue mu gagalgal la pa
At piadian mo ring quecang salita

Saquit a panandaman sibucnan cung isalicut
Dapot e cu balu nung macananung gumulut
Uling lugud a metipun maluat a panaun
Binaui mu quing metung a gatpanapun

Mipapulai cu quing quecang sinabi
Macatapilan cung inisip ing mipalyaring iti
Angga na pin man quing pamanuli
Quiquiac cung magdilidili

Panyung tatalnan icua nang mebasa
Uling alang patugut tutulu ing lua
Taglus0taglus quing eran alang sala
Pasbul binuclat, migducmu, ginaga

Bie ala na pin mang casilbian
Anti cu mong caban a mipanacauanan
Masanting namu’t ating cacaluguran
Kasaup, kayabe king beyatan

Caibat na nita micabieng pasibayu
Muang panandaman, ena mipacalalu
Mas masanting mung bage siguru
Ing makaadya para quecatamu

Yanapin man ing mipalyari
Meging mayan ing pamikawani
Pareung sinulung a e sinisi
Matahimik a bie ing denasan tamu ngeni

Pasulung ing panaun pasku daratang
Tumagun cung misa quetan pisamban
E ca marine guiang ditac man
Inya linucluc ca quing canacung uanan

Ing misa miras ne quing ‘Ibpa Mi’
Bubulung ca, Oyni na ing cacatacutan cung dili
Yacu naman, nga cung cinabi
Ot ecu agad inisip ing mapalyaring iti

Cacurap cu mitatatalan na cata
Eya talan e mcaquilala
Nune anti ya caring mipalsinta
A e miquiquit maluat a maluat na

Anti cata mong micaintindi
Ining gamat cu e mu ne binili
Saya ing panandaman at e sinisi
Uling mibalic ca canacu quing Simbang Bengi

A Monologue Between 2 Entities

By The ½ Grinch and ½ Grinch
Originally published in the printed Aslag, Christmas issue, AY 2004-2005

Whoa!? Due to insistent academic demand, I barely noticed that Christmas season is just around the corner. The cold hanging amihan sends a comfortable chill through my bespectacled face. As I took my leisurely walk around the campus, I felt the warm aura emanating from the lovers making heat on the Sunken Garden. Then the cold Christmas wind blew again, but I was weak and I shivered. Suddenly, I wished that there was someone here with me. The thought that I would be alone again for the 19th Christmas of my life, screamed at my face. What a loser!

I can't help but feel stupid. I was alone for the past 18 years, why can't I extend the streak to 19 straight years? I gathered my thoughts. I tried to summon my rationality to fool again myself. Half-baked enlightenment began its glorious parade around my brain and I once again return to equilibrium. There are many ways to get this mushy season over with. I said to myself, keep yourself busy, don't let yourself think that you are alone. Find another synonym that would euphemistically uplift your spirit! Aha! I got one. How about calling myself unattached? Hmm, it’s too stupid. Single would be more appropriate. Step 1 is complete!

Debating class would always tell me that there are only 2 sides for each debate. To execute a multi-lateral kind would be too complicated and often ends up with unclear conclusion. Putting the concept of being ‘single’ in the Yuletide milieu would create two opposing views. One is being a sordid asshole feeling sorry for yourself that you have no one to specially spend this season of sharing with. And the other is just being cool about it. If you fall to the second category, you have no problem to worry about. But I, falling in the first category would need to clarify few things with myself.

To single out the main dilemma of feeling lonely being single, we can identify that the problem is only in one’s mind. If I keep thinking about things that I wish were there, then there would be no productive output at all. Ah! Keep myself busy during this Christmas break. I could bury my face with lots of readings or jog till my tongue touch the acad oval’s asphalt. How about playing computer games till I go blind? Hanging out with friends and drink till I drown is also a game plan. Exhausting myself with porno materials is an obvious option. Finally, I could be a turncoat to my current religion and shift to atheism, Islam or Buddhism. If I can't really turn away then, I would be a seasonal follower of an alternate religion every Christmas time. Then there would be no Christmas to worry about! Have I gone mad? Maybe.

Don’t be a tonto, enough of this pathetic crap. Why can't I think of better alternatives? Perhaps the insanity of being alone and single have already got me. Fight it off moron! You still have your family, you have your friends and still you have God. Why can't you be contented of what you presently have? Having a partner is only one of the factors that fill up your cathartic need for intimacy. There are other people more worthy and in need of your affection. Think about your parents and your family who supported all your economic, intellectual and affection needs. Do them a favor. Spend your Christmas with them and be happy about it. You have lots of friends who endured all your foolishness and triumphs. And most of all, God is up there waiting for his prodigal son to come back to Him. Isn't HE the main attraction of the Christmas celebration?

Now, I was shaken, broken, and freed from my self-made prison of shortsightedness and idiotic ways. Time will come that I wouldn’t be a single soul not only during Christmas but in every single day of the year.

So what is the battle plan for this Yuletide season? Hmm, just spend time with family, friends and keep saying to myself that I am happy. It will work. Trust me. After all, it is only a mind game.

Time is Gold

Originally published in the printed Aslag, AY 2003-2004

First semester is over and we've just ushered in the 2^nd semester! New set of subjects (well, okay, probably with an old one or two, haha!), professors and classmates. I'm sure marami sa atin ang nag-sabing: “Promise, mag-aaral na ako! Itinatakwil ko na ang cramming! Ayoko ko na talaga!”
Well, it’s because we either had a 4.0, INC, DRP or worse, 5.0. Or maybe for the luckier ones they ‘successfully’ reached the 60^th mark by 0.01 and were given “one more chance” (I’ll neveeeer goho, far away from yoouuuu..).
Tapos, sasabihin ng parents natin: “Hindi ka kasi nag-aaral eh! Kasalanan mo yan!” Earth to parents: “Mahirap po mag-aral sa UP!”
While some of us would keep quiet out of guilt because we did choose Heroes over Dorbunsch, others have the nerve to make excuses.
But really, if you take these into consideration:

DAYS IN A YEAR: 365
*Kahit si God nag-rest nung 7^th day diba, why can't we do the same? We are after all, created in His image and likeness. That’s 52 Sundays in a year.
DAYS LEFT: 313
*Kapag summer, sobrang init! Mahirap mag-aral. Hotta hotta summer is about 50 days.
DAYS LEFT: 263
*Syempre, since you’re an AguPip, you will attend the Pautakan (3 days), Sining (2 days), CEER (2 days), Final Rites and other fun-filled activities.
DAYS LEFT: 253
*Legal and non-working holidays: December 25, 30 & 31, January 1 & 2, Eid’l Fitr, June 12, August 18 & 21, October 31, November 1 & 2, November 30. Huwag na nating isali ang Holy Week holidays at Labor Day, tutal counted na yun sa summer vacation. That’s a total of 13 days.
DAYS LEFT: 240
*Every now and then, you get sick din naman diba. Naturally, no knowledge can efficiently enter your mind habang umuubo-ubo at humahatching-hatching ka. Lalu na kung malas ka talaga at naka-dextrose ka pa. Let’s say you get sick 5 days in a year.
DAYS LEFT: 235
*Then there’s 5 days for the suspension of classes due to “rainy days” kung saan sobrang init ng araw, makukuha mo pang ma-sunburn, try mo man.
DAYS LEFT: 230
*Then there’s what we call the sembreak (14 days, hindi na counted yung mga Undas holidays) and Christmas break (10 days, similarly, hindi na counted yung mga legal holidays during the two weeks) kung saan hindi tayo pwede mag-aral. Syempre, kaya nga ‘break’ ang tawag, diba?
DAYS LEFT: 206

So you roughly have 206 days para isinggit nang maayos ang pinapangarap na good study havits sa iyong schedule. Andaming time noh? Not if you consider these factors as well.
*A healthy adult must have an average of 7-8 hours of sleep: 7.5 hrs (average) x 206 days » 64.4 days.
DAYS LEFT: 141.6
*Syempre, kailangan natin kumain sa araw-araw: breakfast, lunch, dinner and a few snacks. Kalimutan na ang diet, dahil we need a sound body to be able to study properly. Chew properly kaya all in all 2 hrs x 206 days » 17.2 days.
DAYS LEFT: 124.4
*Kailangan gwapo at maganda tayo araw-araw dahil we’ll never know when we’ll meet our ‘the one’. You need to take a bath (once a day na lang, magtipid tayo ng tubig) for 15 minutes, 5 minutes for defacation, 5 minutes for toothbrush, 5 minutes to wash your face every time it gets eeww and oily and 30 minutes for putting on your clothes, fixing your hair and all that jazz. Lahat lahat: 1 hr x 206 days » 8.6 days.
DAYS LEFT: 115.8
*You need some human interaction to keep your sanity because no man is an island. Assuming 2 hrs worth of kwentuhan or texting with friends, housemates and classmates x 206 days » 17.2 days.
DAYS LEFT: 98.6
*You need to rest every and then, you know, some leisure time: watch TV, listen to music, read some mags or newspaper, play some games, etc etc. That’s approximately 2 hrs x 206 days » 17.2 days.
DAYS LEFT: 81.4
*There are 18 weeks of classes in a semester. Wala kang ire-review kung hindi ka naman pumapasok sa mga classes mo, diba?! Assuming na 17 units lecture + 1 unit lab: 17 + 3 hrs = 20 hrs x 18 wks x 2 sems » 30 days.
DAYS LEFT: 51.4
*Enlistment is like the worst ever in terms of effort and number of classes enlisted, haha, plus the lines for all kinds of things are long: 2 days (for lining up, enlistment, prerog processes and other kinds of registration processes most especially, in waiting for just about anything!) x 2 sems » 4 days.
DAYS LEFT: 47.4
*Exam days: Assuming na 6 subjects per sem x 3 long exams + 1 finals x 3 hrs (+30 mins relaxation before the exam dahil heller, as if naman may papasok pa sa pag-cramming mo, +4 hrs recovery period dahil nawindang ka after the exam) x 2 sems » 15 days.
DAYS LEFT: 32.4
*Syempre, mag-cocommute ka from your house to school and back and in between your classes. Sometimes you’d have to walk naman. Then there are days na sobrang traffic. All in all: 1.5 hrs x 5 days (May group meetings ka kapag Wednesdays kaya 5 days) x 18 weeks x 2 sems » 11.3 days.
DAYS LEFT: 21.1
*At dahil ikaw ay isang ulirang AguPip, umaattend ka ng at least half of the GenMeets: 1.5 hrs x 50% x 15 GenMeets x 2 sems » 0.9 days.
*Tumatambay ka rin at least 1 hr per schoolday: 1 hr x 4 days (huwag ka nang tumambay kapag Wednesday, wala naman halos tao) x 18 wks x 2 sems » 6 days.
DAYS LEFT: 14.2
Then there are the activities or events na applicable lang on a weekly basis:
*Dahil every weekend lang tayo nasa Pampanga, kailangan pa rin natin ng quality time with our family at least 3 hrs per weekend: 29 wks (»29 wks ang 206 days) x 3 hrs » 3.6 days.
DAYS LEFT: 10.6
*Tapos kailangan maging ulirang anak ka rin kaya do some household chores or kung anu-ano mang errands na inuutos nina Mommy at Daddy: 4 hrs x 29 weekends » 4.8 days.
DAYS LEFT: 5.8
*Dahil wala naman tayong kakayahang mag-Apparate to and from Pampanga and Quezon City, kailangan nating bumiyahe sakay ang bus: 2 times (papunta at pabalik) x 2 hrs x 29 weekends » 4.8 days.
DAYS LEFT: 1

Whew! You have a cumulative total of 24 hours all in all para mag-aral each year. Pero teka lang, mag-aaral ka ba sa birthday mo?!
DAYS LEFT: 0

So ngayon, saan mo isisingit ang pag-aaral? So anu yun, tuwing leap year kung saan mayroong 366 days in a year, dun ka lang makakapag-aral? Haha!

So, it is your fault kung bumabagsak ka? Well, the answer is of course… alam mo na yun! Haha!

Good luck sa bagong semester!

The Untold Story of 'Ogwarts

The following text is just a product of the author's imagination and it was first published at the 1st issue of Aslag AY 2003-2004. It has been re-written in tune with the current times, hehe, and posted in line with the Harry Potter month of July!. It's supposed to tell the adventures of other Hogwarts students not mentioned in the Harry Potter series. The setting for this piece is one of the early chapters of the real Book 1.

“Do you want me to accompany you, Ron?” asked Mrs. Weasley.

“Geez, Mom,” answered Ron, “I’ve been watching my brothers do it all these years. I can manage.”

“Alright, dear, go on or you’ll be late for the train to Hogwarts.”

“I’m on it!” shouted Ron, as he pushed his cart of baggage into the barrier between platforms nine and ten.

Not long after the boy was gone, Mrs. Weasley went through the barrier as well.

According to the large clock at the arrivals board, it’s five minutes before eleven o’clock. Just then, an airport taxi came rushing to the unloading area with three extraordinary passengers on it.

“Aydana, bilisan yu!” said a plump boy with thick glasses. He’s supposedly only fourteen years old, but his looks will tell you otherwise. He doesn’t have the usual pinkish complexion that most white British teenagers have. He doesn’t even look like a black British chap either. In fact, Purdue Owlsight isn’t from Britain at all – just like his two other companions.

“Ika kaya magdala karening bagahe ne!” snapped Malcolm Moony, a tall, handsome but skinny boy – somewhat the opposite of chubby Purdue. “Jays, bayaran mu ne ing taxi!” commanded Malcolm, as he struggled with three extra-large trunks of baggage, together with the cab driver.

“That’ll be €5. Your trunks are quite heavy, you know,” grumbled the old taxi driver.

“Here, and that includes the tip we promised you. And I’m gonna throw in a Seattle’s Best gift cheque as bonus,” said Jace Scuarebucs (pronounced Jake Squarebucks), as he handed the driver a tenner.

And the cab driver drove away with a huge smile on his face, laughing at how much he was able to earn from his last three passengers, whom he thought were tourists. He couldn’t help but smile about what just happened the past hour – he was in front of the line at the cab terminal when the three emerged from the arrivals gate. The good-looking of the three approached his taxi.

“Excuse me, can you drive us to King’s Cross in fifteen minutes? We need to meet someone and we’ve been running late and if we don’t get there our lives will be doomed. We’ll pay an extra euro of course.”

“Fifteen minutes is too short a time, King’s Cross isn’t that far but with the traffic –“

“Ten euros!” bargained Malcolm.

“Hop in!” said the driver finally.

They were speaking an absurd language full of syllables with k’s and they looked like Asians. And they were laughing boisterously every now and then throughout the journey from the London airport to King’s Cross. The driver hated these kinds of passengers who act as if they own his car. So he planned to increase his usual fare to gain some sort of revenge.

So as he drives away from the train station almost an hour after, the taxi driver just can't help but get excited over the €10 and the coffee gift cheque he has just received for his first trip of the day. He hopes that his string of good (and shrewd) luck will last the whole day. Little did he know that the €10-note and gift cheque he thought he had will return to a P10-bill later that evening when Jace’s charming spell wears off.

“Dana ning driver a ita! Pasalamat ya mamaligwa tamu nung ali, atakman na ing sakit..” complained Malcolm, as he punches his left palm with his right fist and throws imaginary punches into the air.

“Nuco naman," argued Jace, “Banua-banua namu mamirapal tamu eh,” as he prepared to go into the barrier between platform nine and ten.

“Dana makananu kaya, mipatudtud ya pa y Malc,” mused Purdue, ”Asne pamo kasakit gisingan!” he bellowed to Malcolm, as he sprang out on the other side of the barrier. One could see a scarlet steam engine train waiting next to a platform packed with people. A sign overhead said “Hogwarts Express, Eleven O’Clock”. There is a wrought-iron archway where the barrier had been, with the words Platoform Nine and Three-Quarters on it.

Malcolm Moony, Jace Scuarebucs and Purdue Owlsight are all fourth year Ravenclaw students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. They’re Filipinos by blood and hail from the province of Pampanga. This explains the strange tongue they use everytime they converse amongst themselves – Kapampangan. They are the only Kapampangan students in Hogwarts. In fact, they’re the only students who grew up in the Philippines. They were able to get a letter from Hogwarts because their fathers are wizards and are from Great Britain. Their fathers are the best of friends. They met their Filipina mothers (also the best of friends, coincidentally) when Purdue and Jace’s fathers accompanied Malcolm’s dad in the Philippines on an official Ministry of Magic business.

Smoke from the engine drifted over the heads of the chattering crowd, while cats of every color wound here and there between their legs. Owls hooted to one another in a disgruntled sort of way over the babble and the scraping of heavy trunks. The first few carriages were already packed with students, some hanging out of the window to talk to their families, some fighting over seats.

“Sorry naman, eh sa mepuyat ku nabengi eh,” claimed Malcolm, as they all pushed their carts of baggage down the platform into the train.

“Ushuuu. Ninu-ninu casi ca-text mu nabengi eh!” teased Jace, “Ica talaga, mahilig cang pepesus! Tas memaninum caiu pang Purds.” Ü

“Ay dana syempre, sayang no man deng binakal kung Red Horse ne,” said Purdue in defense.

When they finally found an empty carriage for themselves (they ordered a first year named Neville Longbottom out of it so it became empty), Malcolm, looking out to the window, noticed the red-haired Weasley family.

“Oyng! Kinulangut ne ing anak na!” chuckled Malcolm, as he saw Mrs. Weasley rub the youngest boy’s nose.

“Antayu? Sus, den palang kamag-anak ng Archie Andrews den eh, remarked Purdue.

“Nano? Bacit Archie Andrews?” asked Jace.

“Te retang keng Archie Comics, bugok!” cracked Purdue.

“Ha? Err, ali cu manalbeng MYX…”

“Loko Jays, kaklak mo. Scary..” said Malcolm. He and Purdue always intentionally mispronounces Jace’s name

“’Comics’! Itang chickboy na red buwak,” explained an irritated Purdue.

“Iiiih, sorri naman, ecu casi balu,” said Jace, as he buried his head down his criss-crossed arms.

Suddenly, their compartment door swung open, and a cheeky boy with a wavy air walked through it.

“Bongers! Dana, boy! Komusta!” said Malcolm as he gave Herbert Reuben De Studdard a high five.

“Sasanting tamung animal ah,” added Jace.

“Errm, ta-lagah maka-nini,” bragged Bongers.

“Puta ka Bong, e naka mebyasa mag-Kapampangan! Diba pekapanabilin mi keka mag-practice ka keng bakasyon?” yelled Purdue. “Damo, nanu gewa yu nitang maid yu!”

Herbert Reuben De Studdard is another fourth year student of Hogwarts. He is not Kapampangan unlike the other thee (he hails from Scotland) but is able to comprehend a little of the language since he was raised by a Kapampangan maid. He has grown fond of his nanny because his parents are too pre-occupied with their respective works (his dad has a shop in Knockturn Alley and his mom is a writer at the Daily Prophet). He usually still has difficulty expressing himself in Kapampangan although he does have mastered how to swear, taught none other than by the three hooligans, especially Purdue.

“Nakpu-ta, don’t slag off my nanny. Meni-garal yaku mu din naman ngan eh!” reasoned out Bong.

Despite being of different races, Bong started hanging out with Malcolm and his gang when he accidentally bumped into Jace in the Ravenclaw common room. Jace just arrived from the library with his columnar parchments when Bong came rushing towards the portrait hole. Already an hour late for an exam (Statics of Magical Bodies), Bong didn’t notice Jace walking through – BLAM!

“Cabira! Ot ena lauen ing dadalanan na!” whined Jace as he picked up his assignments, which he copied from a classmate named Diomedes Dydykins, “Manga-patacla ia iata.”

“Sorry dude, I can't help you pick up your things anymore”, said Bong as he walked out the hole, ”I’m not going to the bathroom, I’m late for an exam.”

At dinnertime at the Great Hall of the same day, Bong approached Jace at the Ravenclaw table to apologize for the bumping incident. Jace accepted the apology, but wondered why Bong understood what he commented in Kapampangan. And the rest, as they say, is history. They went on to give his nickname – taken from the name of a Filipino senator that has a great resemblance to Bong’s face, because the three Kapampangan natives had difficulty in pronouncing ‘Herbert’ – they always unintentionally skip the ‘h’.

“Dota tana! I missed playing over the summer,” said Bong.

“Haha! Wa sige! Nanu yan tsu keng bulsa mu?” asked Purdue, pointing at Bong’s pockets.

“I’m bringing some Filibuster Fireworks. There were still a few left from our trip to Hogsmeade last year,” said Bong, bringing out a handful.

They spent the next thirty minutes playing with the fireworks. One just hit the compartment door when it opened and the boy whom they bullied out of the room they were occupying is back, but this time he had a girl with him. She was already wearing her new Hogwarts robes.

“Has anyone seen a toad? Neville’s lost one,” she said. She had a bossy sort of voice, lots of bushy brown hair and rather large front teeth.

“Nang pakialam ku keng karag mu?” snapped Malcolm.

“I’m sorry?” asked the bewildered girl.

“Nope, we haven’t seen any toad hop by,” said Jace.

“Uhm, are those Filibuster Fireworks?” asked the girl, referring to the toy Bong was crutching in his hands, “I’ve read about those, you can buy them at a jokes’ store in Hogsmeade, right? You must be at least third years then, because lower years aren’t allowed to go there yet.”

The four blokes wore weird and sarcastic smiles.

“Anyway, we’ll look for the toad in the other compartments. Meanwhile, you had better wear your robes, we’ll be at Hogwarts any minute,” said the seem-to-know-it-all girl.

And she left, taking the toadless boy with her.

“Another nerdie first year I bet,” blurted Bong.

“Uapin! Ü”, added Jace, “Mag-biasa-biasa!”

They went on to finish up the remaining Filibuster Fireworks until a voice echoed through the train. “We will be reaching Hogwarts in five minutes’ time. Please leave your luggage on the train. It will be taken to the school separately.”

And so the four quickly pulled in their robes.

“Haay, another year at Hogwarts,” said Malcolm.

“Another year of magic,” added Bong.

“Another year of mischief,” smirked Purdue.

“Another iear of fun,” said Jace.

“Ah loko, matdas la kanyan kekatamu!” cackled Malcolm as the four of them gave each other high fives.

AguCoupling: A closer look

Originally published in the printed Aslag 2nd Sem, AY 2004-2005
By Rex Dizon

The Aguman tambayan has always been our refuge here in the university. And the AguPips have been our family away from home. They are our surrogate brothers and sisters in the campus – for most of us. Because some AguPips (and their number grows with each batch of applicants) treat each other as more than brothers and sisters, you know, more than friends… heck you know what I mean. And most of all, haven’t you noticed that ‘coupling’ happens all the time, whether on the surface or on the underground? Besides, we AguPips have this wild fetish for love gossip especially if TWO or MORE AguPips are involved – even if we just made the pair up, haha!

But this article is not about who’s wooing who. Rather, we try to delve into the advantages and disadvantages of ‘agucoupling’.

Let’s start with the advantages:

You’re always together. This is probably the greatest advantage of all. Attending genmeets, or helping out in the org’s activities is as good as spending some quality time with your lovey-dovey. It’s like hitting two birds with one stone, isn’t it? Lalu na kapag pareho pa kayong execom! You get to proctor an essay writing contest and spend Valentine’s Day altogether.

You’ve got a lot of common friends. To some people, approval of one’s friends is very important in relationships. In Aguman, people will definitely say, “yihih, bage la!” or “ka-sweet da” or “pwede ne keka yan Phil!” Guys get a lot of instant backers and girls get a lot of instant advisers.

Little things that matter. You get to sleep with her / him (kahit papaano) during overnight activities like the Questions’ Night. You get to see if your partner is really gorgeous despite being puyat. Now, that’s a real test of physical beauty.

For mems who set their eyes on apps. Now a few have become veterans in this endeavor. As a member, applicants are required to approach you, to get to know you, and would do anything (well, almost) to get your signature. Disguising yourself as a member wanting to know the app better is a discrete way of ‘testing the waters’. (Or so, you think! Haha!).

And now for the disadvantages:

Your love story is like a telenovela. Your love story is too public before it even actually begins. People cringe when nothing happens, people go gaga when developments occur. It starts with the innocent teasing. Sometimes, pairing agupips to each other is just innocent teasing. Sometimes, it actually means something.

It’s hard to launch your campaign, if you’re too timid. Before you actually start pursuing her, the whole org already knows. Thus, your intention of forging an intimate and private relationship with the girl of your dreams is challenged by the pressure that people put on you. While AguPips only want the two lovebirds to end up together, sometimes, too much pushing just doesn’t work for some people. Ika nga, kanya kanyang style yan.

Too many competitors. It’s survival of the fittest. (Parang application no? siguro nga kaya ganun, training for panliligaw na pala yun). The apple of your eyes is also someone else’s. Need I elaborate why this is such a disadvantage?

Too much teasing. Whether you’re already a couple or are just on the way there, you should brace yourself for a lot of teasing, whether good or bad teasing ­– may it be about your past, present or future, every so often.

Now, for every ‘coupling’ that happens among members of the org, the org itself is also affected. If things work out, the org is happy. Kung minsan nga, sa sobrang happiness, nakakalimutan nila ang org. If things turn sour, permanently or temporarily (read: torotots or tampururots), it reflects to the the org. You see, the org is composed of members who are people. And people are just people, only human. Gets?

Now at the end of the day, it’s up to you, dear reader whether you’d entertain the idea of AguCoupling. You see, AguCouples who end up together experience a lot just to end up together (i.e., the non-stop teasing – before, during and after, undergrounding, etc). It is safe to say that it would take A LOT to break them in two.

Top 10 Signs of Aguman Addiction

Originally published in the printed Aslag 2nd Sem, AY 2004-2005
By Pie Pamintuan

1 You spend more time at the tambayan than in your classrooms.

2 You leave the tambayan only when everybody else is leaving already. As long as there are people hanging around, you can’t find the heart to leave.

3 You come to class everyday but you secretly, and sometimes openly, wish that your class/es will be suspended so you could just spend time at the tambayan.

4 You pass by the tambayan each time you can, even if you’re running late for your next class just to say hi to the people there.

5 You can’t say no to an invitation to a dinner out or watch a movie at SM North even if you have an exam or paper due the next day.

6 You don’t have classes on Tuesdays but you still make it a point to come to school just to attend the GenMeet.

7 You are home for the weekend when you find yourself missing the crazy antics of the AguPips and wishing it was already Monday so you could spend time with them again.

8 Your high school friends could nearly master the names of almost all AguPips because they are all you talk about when you go out.

9 You feel so hungry but you don’t want to eat just yet because you want to eat at the tambayan.

10 You find yourself calling your other friends boi even if they’re not from Aguman.

AguMen Dictionary

(Originally published in the printed Aslag, 2nd semester, AY 2003-2004)
By Marc David

Underground – (n.) to court without the general AguPublic knowing about it. Usually, members are shocked to learn that the couple are already going steady. Palpak in underground mu boy, keng tutuki kasi pasakmal mu ne agad.

Bakting – (adv.) one of possible results in underground. Observable symptoms in a guy include reclusiveness, tulala, hotheadedness, among others. Basted (syn.) Dana boy, kasakit na ning panga-bakting mo!

Goods – 1. (n.) visual stimulants usually in VCD form but may also be in .jpg , .mpg, .gif. or the more traditional periodical format. Boy, pandam nang goods mo!

Foul – (n.) an incident where one person offends another, usually the offender does this in a subtle way, but nonetheless hurts the offendee. Usually followed by a free throw. A foul which has a stronger implication may merit a technical foul. D***kins! Prrrt! Foul! 2 free throws awarded.

Free Throw – (v.) reward of retaliation allowed to the offendee to the person who committed the Foul. Ot eka tuknang! Ah sige, makanyan ing buri mung labanan? Bahala kang mantun pera keng Pautakan mu ne?!

One Hour – (v.) usually involves the initiator and the invited party to proceed to a convenient computer shop. The initiator and the invited party then rent computers to run programs, most notably CounterStrike, Warcraft, NBA Live, and more recently, Ragnarok (Editor: Dyosme, puro laos na tong mga games na to these days, haha! May mga ganito pa bas a mga computer shops?). Contrary to the lexical meaning of the phrase, one hour usually lasts for a minimum of three hours to overnight sessions. Nanu boys, one hour ta na Condo?

Traffic – (v.) much like One Hour, difference being, the time frame. One Hour can strike anytime, but Traffic much usually occurs en route home. Me traffic kami pauli boy.

Review – (v.) the act of perusing Goods for the purpose of stimulation. Stock Knowledge (syn.) Usually precedes Mag-CR. Hehehe, bayu ku mag CR, mag-Review ku pa.

Mag-CR – (v.) usually succeeds Review. It is the release of bodily fluids through physical stimulation. Batibot (syn). Hokei, mekapag Review na ku, mag CR na ku pa.

Headshot – (adv.) a comment or a remark which let slip the victim’s deepest and darkest secrets. Boy, me-headshot ku keng comment mu.

Golf – (v.) The intake of alcohol through the digestive tract. Usually, sessions last through morning with most of the involved passing out. Ususally done to celebrate a happy moment (e.g. birthdays), but when done because of Bakting, it is known as Clinic. Nanu, Golf ta na boys! Menyambut ya y Phil! He da Man!

The Aguman Alphabet

(Originally published in the printed Aslag, 1st Semester, AY 2004-2005)
By Rex Dizon

If someone outside Aguman asks you what our org is all about and you are lost for words, we’ve come up with something that could help you present Aguman in a different light.

A is for ACTIVITIES
Acquaintance Party. CEER. Pautakan. Sining. Unity Night. Talent’s Night. Sheer genius, right? Meron ba sila nito? Only in Aguman do we have gimmicks that are meaningful, service-oriented and fun-filled all at the same time.

B is for BOI
We don’t really the know the etymology of this term of endearment but come to think of this: have you ever been called a boy even if you’re actually a girl? Well, some of you may not have liked it when you were applicants or new members. But you’re bound to use this term of camaraderie someday, somehow.

C is for crEme OF THE CROP
We’ve got Valedictorians, Salutatorians, Pautakan and Sining material, laudes, board exam topnotchers, student leaders, Most Outstanding Kapampangan Awardees, Palanca Awardees, etc. We’re home to the best of what the Kapampangan race has to offer.

D is for DINE OUTS
It used to be a battle between Jollibee, McDonald’s, Greenwich, LB, LKB & Mang Jimmy’s. Now there's Ate Fe's Kitchen (formerly Village Kitchen), Ambula, Momarc's, Sefali, etc. Sometimes, plain old Casaa will do. It takes every ounce of resistance in your body to not give in to dinner invitations, even if you have an exam or paper due the next day. Once a week, we gather for a family dinner we continue the days’ banter and laughter – like we never get enough.

E is for EXPRESSIONS
Hangal. Haller. Pogi (with the different meaning, of course). Matdas ka! Ala kung asabi! Suddenly, we find ourselves saying phrases didn’t consider ‘cool’ back in high school.

F is for FIBER OPTICS
You know the saying “May tenga ang lupa, may pakpak ang balita”? Well, in Aguman it doesn’t apply. For gossip in Aguman, especially love gossip, spread not even like brushfire. It is transmitted via, to put it in Dawn’s words, fiber optics. At now there's unlimited texting -- talk about always being 'in the loop sa chika!".

G is for GRAFFITI
Aguman is like an outlet of any feeling in our subconscious that we let slip through ‘artwork’. Before CSSP prohibited it, our tambayan is one big structure of graffiti. Not to mention our table then. You can see it even our logbook – from simple doodles of , to the more artful Dana y Bangs! Kaynge na naman!.

H is for HOME
Home away from home. That’s what Aguman is to all of us. It’s as simple as that.

I is for IDOLS
Almost every organization has its own set of celebrity look-alikes – Aguman is no exception. On a more serious note, it’s also in our org where we find people to look up to when we were applicants or college freshmen. Our new-found kuyas and ates has taught us a thing or two about college and life.

J is for JOKES
This is something the AguPips seem to never ran out of. Whether it’s corny or witty, has an intended target or just an icebreaker, joking and fooling around has been away of life for us, in and out of the tambayan. Heck, it might as well be an application requirement. I mean, who among us was never asked to tell a single joke when we were applicants?

K is for KNOWLEDGE
There are some things you get to learn when you’re in Aguman – from the useful to the trivial, from the philosophical to the humorous, from the good to the not-so-good ones. Some of these are the things you missed out on when you were in protective walls of your high school.

L is for LOVE bug
Isn’t it obvious? Infected people swarming the tambayan makes your tambay time extra sweeter than leche flan. Unless you prefer gelatin, of course. Despite and in spite of recent heart-breaking break-ups, the AguBoys just couldn't help but fall for the AguGirls, huh? Aliwa talaga in maalindug!

M is for MOVIES
Watching flicks is another bonding activity we never get tired of. You just can’t say no when you’ve got 10 people convincing you that Princess Diaries 2 is not a chick flick, or if you finally found someone who invited you to watch Liberated 2 (at least hindi ikaw nag-yaya diba?). And just recently, there's Superman Returns and in a few weeks comes Spiderman 3. I mean come on, magpapahuli ka ba?!

N is for NSPIRATION
Aguman is a constant source of inspiration (Platonic and Non-Platonic) in every thing you do – may it be in acads (you have people giving you hope when you’re five and fighting), emotional (it’s where you belong) or any kind of endeavor like a fashion show or an article like this!

O is for ORIGINAL
We are the original Kapampangan organization that not only promotes camaraderie but also service to our people. We’ve been at it for three decades! Can any resto beat that? Apparently not, hehe.

P is for PHEROMONES
The medium that the love bug uses to spread the epidemic. Something that our AguGirls never ran out of, don’t you think? AguBoys are simply helpless.

Q is for QUESTIONS NIGHT
One of the most enjoyable weeks of the year. It’s the only night that lasts a week – a period of bonding, frolic and fun. And of course, don't forget, making questions.

R is for REST & RELAXATION
Like a previous article said, a quickie at the tambayan can flush out any kind of worry, albeit temporarily. But at least, it’s a welcome breather with the daily hustle and bustle of mind-wracking acads, right?

S is for SIGSHEET
It’s the immortal memory of what kind of applicants we were. The application period is one of the most memorable periods in one’s Aguman life. And all the highlights – the jokes you had to crack, the errands you had to run. The questions you had to answer, the gazillion trivias you had to research, the stories you had to tell and the secrets you had to divulge just to get a signature – can be remembered through the sigsheet.

T is for TAMBAYAN
One of the major privileges of being in Aguman, it’s our home away from home. It’s a place rich in memories, witnessed a lot of happenings (public and personal) – it’s our refuge.

U is for UNDERGROUND
Most commonly used and most efficient method in Aguman courtship. Its success rate if quite high, compared to conventional Your-Song or Abt-Ur-Luv or Love-Spell methods. Who would've thought na ang isang 'Mommy' at isang 'Boy' ay may lihim pa lang chumechever? Haha!

V is for VISUAL STIMULATION
This is one tambayan amenity that improved with our most recent relocation. Before, one had to wear glasses to clearly see Venus’ contemporaries. Now, all you need is a good sitting position for that effective guise of subtlety.

W is for WIT
We exercise in almost everything we do – jokes, comments, graffiti, punch lines or articles. It’s one of the informal training we get when we’re in Aguman. Our humor powered with wit is truly exceptional.

X is for XPERIENCE
It’s the same with K is for Knowledge. In Aguman you get to experience a lot of firsts (and sometimes seconds and/or thirds…) – love, puff, heartache, videoke singing, leading the national anthem, public speech and a lot more! Not to mention the belly-dancing, floor-climbing and the imitations of !

Y is for YOUNG & OLD
Right now, our youngest member is Buduy and the oldest is Rex. But it’s not only in age that Aguman has youngs and olds – even at heart. More so, even after decades from graduation, the AguSpirit and AguCulture are still imbued on us. Classic example – just look at how our alumni fool around during their get-togethers or even at the list serve. You’d never see your Mom or Dad doing or saying the things they do -- talking about G-spots and all that jazz!

Z is for ZANY
Zany, Aguman life is simply zany. One moment, it’s fun, next moment it’s no-so-fun. Good thing is, you’re not alone. You have your AguBros and AguSistahs with you.